Although she does not yet know the term “toxic”, Rashawnda James knows that her relationship with her mother was very different when she was 13 years old. She said: “I realized in the school conversation that their conversation is like their parents are by their side.”
James’ parents, a crack cocaine Junkie, no. James said: “Sometimes I have to find my mother because I don’t know where she is.” “I feel responsible for my mother. After the connection is established, I know it is unhealthy.”
Common toxicity characteristics
Signs of your potentially toxic parents include:
- They are self-centered. They will not consider your needs or feelings.
- They are cannons of high spirits. They overreact or create drama.
- They share too much. They share inappropriate information with you, such as details about their private lives. They use you as their main source of emotional support.
- They seek control. They may use guilt and money to motivate you to do what you want.
- They are vital. Nothing you do is good enough. They do not respect your good qualities or achievements.
- They have no boundaries. They may appear in your home without thinking, or attack your life choices.
James is now a licensed therapist, writer, and self-care specialist based in Atlanta, who can tell the mother’s toxic behavior. Including manipulation and lighting, this technology makes you question your ability to distinguish between real and real situations. “When I was young, I couldn’t avoid my mother. I couldn’t set boundaries.” James said. blurred lines. There is no filter. “
However, her mother managed to get James involved in active activities. James said: “That became my safe haven.” She is good at track and field sports.Provided for free by an organization treatment When she was in the twelfth grade, she said, “This literally changed my life.” A few years later, when James decided to become a therapist, the consultant also became her supervisor.
Get rid of guilt
“As adults, we have choices we didn’t have when we were young, and we don’t always have to do what our parents want to do. “Said Sharon Martin, a licensed clinical social worker in San Jose, California. She is ” CBT Perfectionism Workbook with Better border workbook.
If you grow up to respect your elders, obey your parents and please them at all costs, then setting boundaries seems strange. Martin urges her clients to challenge this way of thinking. “Remember that parents have no ability to love, accept and value you. This is not your fault, nor does it have to be related to your shortcomings.
She said: “For example, it’s wrong to consider whether you think it’s wrong to set boundaries, require respect, prioritize your or immediate family’s needs over your parents, or limit your time with your parents,” she said. “Will you tell a close friend that it is wrong for them to do these things in response to shouting, manipulating, lying, severely criticizing, smearing sports or threats?”
Don’t try to change them
For James, an important “ahha” is always aware that she cannot be a reason for his mother to stop taking drugs. “I became a golden boy. I thought that if I did well, she might stay clean. If I graduate from high school…college…” And so on.
She said: “I have to start my own life and then let go.”
Martin said: “No matter how old you are, you want to please your parents.” “But it must be practical, and what effort must be made emotionally, physically, mentally, financially and spiritually to make you pay the price.”
James agrees: “The most harmful thing to yourself is to believe that you can solve them.” “If you know this, you don’t have to stay there and ignore what they give you. You can choose yourself. When you don’t have to fix something When something happens, it will release you.”
Border is the key
Fifteen years later, James’ mother is very clean. The two were 22 minutes apart and talked twice a day, even though they did take two years off. James emphasized that although she chooses to keep in touch with her mother, you must do what suits you best.
James said: “It took me 10 years to strengthen the border.” “I said’No, mother. I can’t give you money. Without a mother, I can’t fit you.” “I can’t go to places where people make me uncomfortable, but you can come here freely.” “
She added: “Just because she is my mother, her focus does not have to surpass mine.”
Over time, mothers become more self-aware and sometimes even fall into old patterns, which is very helpful.
No need to explain
For questions about why you don’t contact your parents, please answer briefly, for example: “I don’t talk to my parents because they are emotionally insulting.” This can help you remember the reason for the restriction, even if someone else The same is true without setting limits.
Martin said: “When others judge or criticize your decision to limit contact with your parents or set other boundaries, it is usually because they think your parents are emotionally healthy and show respect for you.” “But you limit contact, Because your parents treat you badly. Moreover, your parents will not get a free pass to abuse you just because they are your parents.”
Martin added that you still don’t owe anyone any reason. “You have the right to say,’I don’t want to talk about it.'”
Martin said that children of toxic parents may not be used to taking care of themselves. “Use mantras such as “self-care is not selfish” or “my needs are important” or “I am an adult and have the right to make my own choices.”
James plans to conduct self-care activities such as diary or exercise After being with my mother. “I like to keep a diary. This is a good way to have internal conversations to release my thoughts. She said: “I don’t keep my thoughts in my heart, and I don’t add to the burden. “She also likes to dance and exercise, music From Miami, because Florida is her hometown.
Listening to gospel music is another way for her to stay rooted. She said that this made me realize that my struggle is not just my burden. “This reminds me well that my mother is not my responsibility. God can do more for me than I can.”
Set up support system
“The support system is essential,” Martin said.She recommends supporting groups or individuals treatment Work with people who engage in narcissistic abuse, develop sexual trauma, or interdependence.
To find a therapist, please call Insurance Company or go online to get a list of suppliers. If you don’t have insurance, then affordable online options include Telehealth and BetterHelp.
Change your story
James said: “I know what life is like since I was a child, and I promised myself not to repeat that cycle.” “I don’t have a road map or blueprint, but since the twelfth grade, I have gained the opportunity to live in a healthier and more active way tool.”
With these in mind, she is raising three children. For example, she did not share too much like her mother did. She said: “I really do my best to keep them innocent.” “I will not cause my children to trouble other people. I let them see my emotions because I want them to understand the whole field.
“The principle I follow is that my state of happiness should not be placed on other people, places or things. I can be anywhere, I can have anything, but still find happiness. That is one of my superpowers!”