Dealing with toxic family members

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After Joe Aoleo retired from firefighter/EMT, he moved from Rhode Island to Key West, Florida. In addition to seeking warm weather, he also felt relieved to get rid of the shackles of his family.

“All my brothers and sisters are in control, never make mistakes, never apologize, people who lie,” Aoleo said. “My house has never been physically violent. But this is [like] A thousand small incisions. “

What is toxic behavior?

Licensed Sharon Martin says that toxic behavior is everywhere Clinical social worker In San Jose, California. She is” CBT Perfectionism Workbook with Better border workbook,Expiring.

Common characteristics of poisonous people include:

  • Not caring about your feelings, needs or rights
  • Act harshly
  • Call your name
  • Violating your boundaries over and over again
  • Refuse to compromise with you on anything
  • Agency
  • Always have to be right
  • Feel the rules don’t apply to them
  • Make unfair demands on you
  • Not responsible for one’s own actions
  • Accuse others of mistakes or deficiencies
  • Rarely say they feel sorry for something
  • Wild mood and behavior fluctuations and anger
  • Lie and/or let you get lost
  • Manipulate you to control or use you and others to get what they want

carry on

Martin said: “Toxic behavior is continuous.” True toxic behavior is part of abuse or lack of respect for others. They are not isolated incidents. “

, Toxic people rarely change their behavior, or want to change. She said: “When they face harsh treatment from others, they may lack self-awareness or respond with rejection.”

Oreo said his family are vying for control. He said: “I was also a control freak at the time.” “But I knew I used to, and I had to change. They didn’t.”

Oleo said: “Nelt is always there,” even his daughter was involved. “My daughter was and may still be the owner of the right way to be kind, inside-, angry. She once told me that I must be nice to her because she was everything I had to take care of me when I was older. I told her Before I let that happen, I had put the bullet on my head. And I was pretty sure that the whole thing was related to the money I lent to her but never confiscated.”

Set clear boundaries

If you come from a family that does not respect or respect boundaries, it may be difficult to determine and set the boundaries. However, you can decide which treatment you will receive now. Martin recommends directly explaining your needs and feelings. You may ask your family members to change their behavior, for example by saying: “Please don’t scold me.”

She said: “For toxic people, this is usually not successful because they have no incentive to change their behavior.” On the contrary, borders help remind you to protect yourself from them. For example, if they continue to curse at you on the phone, you may hang up or block the phone number of your compatriot.

keep distance

Martin said that one way to keep emotional distancing is to limit the amount of personal information you share. Say that your sister laughed at you and made a sarcastic comment after you confided in her the problem. This is a tip for you to share as little as possible with her in the future.

carry on

In addition, you don’t have to answer personal questions from your family. You can say, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Don’t do the same, avoid asking about their personal lives. Only trade information about key family businesses.

Try to avoid arguments at all costs. Martin said: “Toxic people will try to get you into an argument to distract you from the actual problem.” “They usually turn things around-accuse you of your toxic behavior and never take responsibility for your own behavior.”

Martin said many people find that restricting or terminating contact with toxic family members is the only way to protect themselves. “If this happens, you are not a bad person or a loser.”

Aoleo kept in touch with one of his sisters while living in Florida, but he didn’t think she was very close to her either. When deciding to move to the Big Island of Hawaii, he also severed contact with her.

He said: “I am now the only person in my family who is not more than 50 miles away from other family members.”

Other useful tactics

Other steps in your game plan can help you make smart choices, reduce your sense of guilt, and continue your life, including:

  • Don’t expect anyone to be perfect, including yourself.
  • Stop trying to fight the old battle. There is usually no way to solve them.
  • Hold your ground. For example, if your family wants you to be on vacation and want to go out, say “no”. Don’t use “maybe” to half-open the door.
  • Let go of your hope in the lives of family members. You cannot let them change their minds or plans.
  • Once you are determined to change your behavior, please receive a strong response from your family and even friends. Try to predict the response you might get-such as crying, crying, yelling or even threatening-and decide how to respond.

How to move on

Martin said to find reliable support. Find friends and new friends, such as therapists, twelve-step groups or other support circles.

carry on

She said: “Dealing with family members who have poisoned behavior can bring pressure and emotional burden to people. You must take care of yourself physically and emotionally.”

Your personal safety is the key. “If you are dealing with someone who has been hurt or threatened to hurt you or another person, you may need to call the police to avoid being alone with that person, or make a plan to leave quickly if necessary.”

For Aoleo, keeping in touch with his family is the most worry-free. He said: “I am not angry with them, I don’t care.” “Family means nothing to me. They are just like everyone else, but you don’t have any real reason to feel obligated to them. I don’t Feel this duty again.”

He found space in a relaxed community in the Hawaiian rainforest and remained calm. He said: “My work taught me to light a fire, and common sense freed me from my family.” “Now, I am a happy, almost always soaked guy, living in our paradise, in the middle of our biggest ocean. Next to the volcano, in my paradise live a group of mutts who are controlled and almost always soaked. Perfect.”

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