Control mom?The secret to relieve tension


You are an adult with your own profession, family, and maybe some children. Is your mother still trying to control your life and every decision you make? Experts say that you can set boundaries with controlling parents without harming your relationship.

“I think the key to controlling parents is to maintain friendliness and boundaries with them. Be firm and kind. Don’t disrespect them in any way, but set boundaries in your life and choices.” psychologist Therapist in group therapy LA in Beverly Hills, California.

When you reject your mother’s advice, controlling your mother may feel unhappy. She suggested that you let her know that you heard her, but you will make the final decision about your life. “They are used to control. Give them space to share their thoughts.”

You have a sign of controlling your mother, ranging from mildly annoying comments to frequent arguments. She may often:

  • Provide your unsolicited suggestions
  • Criticize decisions about your relationships, career or money
  • Publicly disagree with your Parenthood Or housekeeping style
  • If you disagree with her suggestion or “guilt travel”, try to make you feel guilty

When are you responsible?

Dr. Jay Lebow, a clinical professor of psychology at Northwestern University’s Family Research Institute, said that in the eyes of parents, when you become an adult automatically, there is no specific age, and the process of being responsible for your own choices may be gradual. Evanston, Illinois. Some parents may not want to let go for your health.

“At some point, you start to make your own decisions as an adult, but your parents are nervous. If you don’t make the right decision, it will become more difficult.” Lebow said.

He said that your mother may want to protect you from undesirable consequences, such as trying to control her spending out of fear that she will be in debt. “Parents might think,’Will I give my child a bad credit rating?’ A child who really controls the parents may have a child who is completely independent, but they don’t want to let them go.”

Control can start as early as possible in your relationship, but it may cause problems for adult children for years. A study released in 2020 tracked 184 children between the ages of 13 and 32. Those children with controlling parents under the age of 13 are less likely to have a romantic relationship or achieve academic success even in the early 30s.

Money is the common source of conflict

Lebow said that even if they live alone in university dormitories or apartments, or have jobs, many young people are still not financially independent. This will blur the boundaries between parents and children who should make decisions.

“You may be in adulthood. You are not fully adult and you cannot be financially self-sufficient. So, what is a bargain? Parents may feel that they have more say in your work, but this is not always the case. It has to do with money.” He said. “But money can be a tool to control adult children. A young person should develop and start living independently. Older people should be willing to give up control.”

He added that if you rely on the financial support of your parents, it will cause dysfunction and your mother will make certain decisions about the loan.

carry on

Gardenswartz said that when you have children, your controlling mother may become a disturbing grandparent.

“For some grandparents, it’s difficult to judge how you raise your children. They may have conflicts about how you set your child’s feeding time or nap time,” she said. For example, if you rely on your mother to help the babysitter, she may not want you to comply with your rules when you put your children down for sleep.

Set boundary

Now that you are an adult, even if your mother has been controlling herself, it is time to set some boundaries, Gardenswartz said.

“First, use squads. Don’t go to war. Let your mother listen actively,” she suggested. Active listening means that you can pay attention to what your mother is saying without paying attention. Before you respond, let her finish what she has to say. “Be confident to say what doesn’t suit you and why.”

When you set the boundaries, the mother in control may only take the opposite view and delve into it. Your discussion may escalate into disagreement, and it is difficult to find a way to meet in the middle. She said: “It’s a place of separation full of love. Even when the mother is particularly anxious or in control, use an even, distinct tone of voice.”

carry on

If you want your mother to relax control, make sure you are in charge of your own life. Lebo said that he is responsible for his own decisions and mistakes.

He said: “Evaluate yourself by telling them who you are and what you need.” Express your own values ​​and goals for life and family. “Respect others, and try not to let disagreements escalate into hostility. You can say: “I raise children the way I want, but I realize you have different opinions. “The job description of your grandparents should be very clear: you can offer some advice, occasionally uninvited. But you are not the parent who hosted the show.”

Here are some tips to help you deal with a controlling mother:

  • Don’t always think of yourself as a victim. This will make your mother feel defensive and cause more conflict. Try to use “I” instead of “You” so that she doesn’t feel attacked.
  • Responsible for their own happy. You cannot attribute all the mistakes you made in your life to your mother’s controlling behavior.
  • Let some differences slide. Small differences of opinion may intensify the fighting. Consider whether each debate is worth the potential pain.
  • Willing to compromise. When discussing plans or boundaries, keep an open mind. Try to come up with solutions that are acceptable to both you and your mother. Summarize so that you both know what you agree with.


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